Overnight Sensation

Click to play for full effect, yo.

This week, The Red Writing Hood asked me to envision “making it big.” So big, in fact, that my great novel  (yeah, right) is being made into a movie – my task was to envision the song that would be playing during the pivotal scene of a movie based on your novel . . . once you have the song set, write that scene.

In 300 words.

Of course, I went over. Like I care; I'm FAMOUS, people. Get me a Perrier.

((Click PLAY ABOVE))

The scene

Widescreen view of the open plain. The golden sun is sweeping over the late summer landscape, giving everything the look of morning, renewal. The camera picks up a car traveling down a 2 lane highway. A conversation is heard, growing more audible as the camera slowly zooms into the car as the opening credits fade in and out. 

With the music and the garbled conversation in the background, the camera looms over the passenger seat area full of maps, a box of crackers, giant chai tea in the cup holder, unopened bottle of champagne sticking out of the mess, candy, gum wrappers, laptop computer bursting with paper, general messiness. Music fades as voices get louder in car.

Onion

Talking to speakerphone in car. ((excited)) I know.... I KNOW! 

Friend #1

It's spectacular, it's fantastic, I am dyyyying of jealousy. Tell me all of it. Tell me EV-RE-THANG....what did Special Agent Say? What did you say? Who called you? 

Onion

(quoting movie) "You must chill. You must chill. I have hidden your keys." 

Friend #1

((laughing)) Ok, chilling. I am just so happy for you. 

Onion

Well, the post had been getting a lot of traffic and frankly, I was a little surprised since it was a thrown together mess. But, apparently it hit a nerve somewhere and Shazam! I am driving to Denver to fly into LA for a meeting. Their girl called my gi.., er, me.

Friend #1

Random. WHAT in hell do you wear to a meeting with movie producers?

Onion

Yeah…that’s a problem. I don’t know why they don’t give you a stylist BEFORE you make it, or rather as you are TRYING to make it. That is when you really need it. The humidity is going to make my hair look like Rosanne Roseannadanna, dressed in a bad suit. I hope those What Not To Wear freaks are lurking around the office and snatch me up. Ugh - I can’t think about it. I guess writers can be ugly.

Friend #1         

Stop it! You aren’t ugly. Besides, it might be refreshing to see someone with real breasts and their own hair. But to be safe, be sure to wear a push up bra.

Onion

(laughing) I am giving a shout out to the "organic look". Organic is SO NOW, you know.

Friend #1

Hahaha…you’ll be fine. ((phone crackling)) Quit being so hard on yourself! ((Service getting worse)) You’re AWE..(line crackles out).

Onion

((Frowning at broken connection and then smiles lightly, finishing friend #1’s word))..SOME.

The music returns lightly, as if on the radio. The Onion hums along to the tune, substituting the words “You’re awesome” for the lyrics.

Onion

You’re Awesome…youuuuu’re awesome. Awesome..awwwww.some. You’re-awesome-you’re awesome.....awesome-awesome-awesome-awesome....

The Onion stops singing but continues to tap inn rhythm on the steering wheel, staring out the window to the open plain. She’s smiling, still musing about being awesome.

The Onion

((sighing, says quietly.)) I guess she’s right; I’m kinda awesome.

(as the Onion is smiling dreamily, the car starts to shimmy, noises erupt and she stops smiling and grips the wheel as she maneuvers the car to the side of the road. The camera angle switches to the the tire, spinning in strips, around the wheel. The car stops.

Last scene is of The Onion, standing in the open prairie on the side of the road, thumb out.

The Onion

((mutters)) I’m awesome.

Fade to black.

Ahem. Some of the possibilities to play The Onion:

And For Bacon, err.. This, I am Truly Thankful..

Now, come on. You didn't REALLY think I would let my favorite Go away, Christmas Season holiday go by without at least a short post about how lucky I am in my life. I am getting over the eaten post. With the 18 lb turkey waiting for a buttered cheesecloth blanket, I sit with the baboo watching the next Harry Potter installation and eating blueberry scones. I feel thankful. 


I can't help but think of those who may not have the concerns of not having enough matching plates, not enough tupperware for all of the leftovers for all the food no one will be able to eat. 

Some other things I am thankful for this morning, in no particular order. (this is my list, get your own.)


The Fam:


Special Agent: My true partner who doesn't mind filling non traditional roles in order to let me fill non traditional roles. We have certainly had our share of cobbled road, but we have something special and that guy makes me laugh, even after 20 years.  He will also roll chocolate balls for truffles, even if only to use the words "my balls" inappropriately in every way possible. It's Thanksgiving, use your imagination. 


The Baboos: I have so enjoyed being home more to enjoy all of the little things I was missing in their lives. They possess the wit and sarcasm that I have always hoped for in them, along with having kind hearts. They are rule followers like their Dad, which I am still trying to ruin. 


Our Fam: We are everything a family is: Messy, dysFUNctional, and even have some wounds we hope to heal. Nonetheless, we love each other despite our differences and even have a lot of fun when we manage to carve out a meal together. Good thing for Thanksgiving. 

Granny and the Baboo, and not even at a sports event!

MadMax: My niece Madigan is an inspiration to all every day. Her journey is one fraught with hard work, but you won't find a happier kid. She lacks the ability to feel sorry for herself, a blessing we should all be cursed with. She makes the saying" whatsamatta? Ya got half a brain or something?" seem like a compliment. She and her brother won't be with us for dinner today, which will be a break for her Mom and obsessive Granny, but will join us for dessert. Then, batten down the hatches.

Even rainbows can't resist this critter.

Flexibility: I am so, so fortunate to have been able to leave my job and become a consultant in order not to miss the little things. I know most don't have that opportunity, and I will try not to take it for granted. 


Flavor: Chocolate and sea salt. Bacon and pecans. It's no wonder I am no longer a size 6. 

DVR: I have never wasted time so efficiently. 


Good friends, old and new: What can I say about those who knew me when, and those who knew me now? We share it all, and even surprise each other. We all have a niche with each other. They're special.  They make me feel special. You know who you are. 

Who you calling "old", friend?

One of us has had too much blueberry
beer in this photo, up to you to decide who..

Blogging: I know nothing I write here is earth shattering, but it gives me an outlet and has allowed me to think creatively again. And I get to give myself a nickname. 


I could keep going, as I have many, many things to be thankful for. But that bird isn't going to butter himself. Hey, where'd he go? 

Today and every day, I am thankful. 

Reverse Thanksgiving

I am feeling a little snarky and ungrateful about the world since my-probably-could-have-gone-viral-TDay-post was chewed up and swallowed by Blogger (and then handily saved over) last week. 


I coulda been a contenda..  :-(

I write important shit here, y'know? 

So my blog BFF and I Munch decided that we would have our own little challenge. He was avoiding work, so he jumped on it Friday and finished his this weekend. I was avoiding work, so I did laundry and packed for a ass kicking drive to baboo sports tournaments this weekend.


CHALLENGE TOPIC
Although it is rude, and will probably send an instant message to KARMA to kick me square in the bleacher butt (see below), Munch and I's challenge was to write a list of the things we are NOT thankful for. I haven't looked at his, or I will be tempted to plagiarize. His is here, take a look. 


I know, I know....settle down Pilgrims. I have much to be thankful for, every day, every way. But today is not that day. Thursday is that day. Pay attention. 


This is ((cue music)) The Onion's snarky-bad-attitude-having-does-not-deserve-a-visit-from-Santa-list of things I am NOT thankful for today . Ahem. 


1. Road Trips to Sporting Events
2 hours of sitting in car + 9 hours of sitting on bleachers + 3.5 hours sitting in car + 9 hours of sitting in bleachers = bleacher butt. To super-size, add concession stand fare. 

Dear Santa..

Accessories to Road Trip Weekend include: Bag full of my kindle, 3 containers of gatorade/water, kleenex for whomever bleeds, bottle of Tylenol for injured players and/or frustrated bridge-of-nose-pinching Special Agent, someone's shoes, someone's slippers, a random t-shirt, half eaten granola bar, a pen lid but no pen, some electronic gaming devices, a tourney program (at the bottom, wet), and something I think may have once been a banana. 


2. Ring-Back Tones 
You, my friend are not bringing sexy back. You ARE annoying the hell out of me with your ring-back tone. It's a little pushy to make me listen to a song YOU like while I wait for you to get finished putting styling product in your hair before answering, don't you think? 
I was tempted to install a ring back tone which would cover the day's headlines, but then I remembered that is something I want to hear. So I just listen to it my damn self, capice?


3. Smoking on me
Don't get my wrong, like your porn addiction, I don't CARE what you do when you're alone. Live 'it up, suckas. But, DON'T smoke on me. I don't care if it is your office, car or Silence of the Lambs style prisoner dungeon. If I want to smoke, I will (Oh yes, I will). Those who want to smoke, do. Those who don't, don't want to smoke your backwashed air. And don't crack that fricking window a centimeter and then nod and smile like you just invented the cure for POLIO. In a moving vehicle, it just drives the smoke back into the car, Dad.

Whatever kid, but not by me, ok?

4. Those who refuse technology
You don't tweet? I don't care. Anti-Facebook? Whatev, but you are missing out. But those who do not check their email? Nor do they have text messaging on their phone? Seriously? Would you like us to drive to your house to let you know the event time has changed by half an hour? Perhaps we could update you on the weather by U.S. Postal Service? I appreciate all of your commitment to a non-technology life rhetoric, but you are creating a pain in the ass for the people who DO use it as a convenience for themselves. At least pick one. 


5. The Affliction craze
Stop this. Please stop this immediately. I can overlook a few Tapout shirts for those of you who are using MMA as a methadone patch to Bloodsport, but angel wings? No. I can't decide if they are worse on men or women, but I am leaning toward men. Especially those who are wearing them painted on over Arnie-like spray tanned muscles. Men, please be men. Not frosted-tipped angels. You look like a douche. Please and thanks. 

6. Twitter
I still don't get it. 


7. Passive-Aggressive behavior. 
Stop needlin' me people. Just come out with the bee that is under your bonnet and we can deal with it or agree to disagree. But stop blabbering at me with your, "that's an interesting idea, but.."s and a smile pasted on your face while we negotiate terms more difficult than NATO's. Just spit it out and then puleeze go away.


8. Pet hair
For Christmas, I am asking Santa for electrolysis for all of our pets who have a beacon for freshly dried laundry, my side of the bed and anything dark i want to wear. 

I am going to consider this for my next
career move, right after I throw up.

9. Facebook Overshares
Funny, witty comments need not apply. Interesting articles and local event info, you are welcome here. Weird, vague or sappy posts regarding your skin condition, your self esteem, a low-blow shout out to your ex about not coming to your kids' science fair and 90% of jr. high kids posts, I am talking to you. 


10. OCD
Because of my own OCD issues, it has taken me a while today to follow my own "fall" color scheme (please notice), while making sure to post an even number of entries. I am off now to lock/unlock the door 36 times.


What are YOU not thankful for this year?? 

The Onion, on Being Thankful - 2011 Edition

This year I am thankful for self -control: I wrote a lovely post about some things I am thankful for previous to this one and Blogger appears to have eaten it. It was spell checked and ready to fly.  I am tempted to hurl my laptop through the picture window in honor of the two hours I will never get back. Deep breaths.

Dear Blogger. I hate you.

Maybe Pilgrims did it.

Hillcrest Elementary Alumni are NOT Over the Hill...and My New Plan for Junk Mail

I think I have finally recovered from the Way Back Machine girl weekend in Colorado, and I need to report back in for those of you waiting patiently with baited breath to hear all of the gory details.

All two of you.
(The short version involves mostly layer dip and wine.)

NO topless pillow fighting occurred.

The long version is a weekend remembering the awesomeness of friends you have had so long that they have become like cousins. We know each other's secrets, irritating habits and post-pubescent sexual experience, yet almost nothing about each other's present day to day lives. No matter, we love each other, and the years evaporate away as soon as we are all in the same room. In fact, I even caught two of them talking behind my back. Just like in 5th grade.

Nothing changes.

Being of legal age to drink IS something newer to our retro slumber party and we partook of many, MANY bottles of wine, margaritas MADE from wine, a few odd beers here and there and a mixed drink (someone just always has to be different). We didn't bother with restaurants, but noshed on crudites (look it up) I prepared lovingly...(wile many photographs were taken) with more wine, and some orgasmic Mexican layer dip made by a Gringo. I would share the recipe, but he says it has been in his family for WEEKS and he can't let it out.

I got nothin'..

There was definitely a "cutting
the cheese" remark here...

We discussed our career paths, children, marriages and which kind of Greek yogurt we prefer. We took exactly one hike (with roadies, def. #3) and someone overdid their roadie and wiped out hiking back down. (No injuries were reported.) Later, we tripped down to a bar just to break up the scenery and harassed the waiter while we watched the World Series.

It struck me several times throughout the weekend that through everything, each of us is still very much the same person as we were in our youth. I saw the same expressions, hand gestures (yes, that one too) and mannerisms I recognized from 30 years ago. Uncanny. The only thing we really are is older.

Miss Piggy, The Onion, The Doc and The Comedian

The last day in Way Back camp, we held our heads after a long and hilarious previous evening in the hot tub. All I can say is it was a DAMN GOOD THING that Winter Park was still in the off season and relatively empty or folks would have learned a little sum'pin, yo. We were in the tub so long, I may have developed a skin condition.

Brr! We assured our host friend that the tub would be warm
enough up there on the mountain....and not so much. The next
evening was hotter water and hotter conversation. And pruny fingers. 

We love each other.
We annoy each other.
We surprise each other.
We make each other laugh.
We keep each other's secrets.

Girlfriends are truly the best medicine, even when didn't realize you needed it.

In other breaking news....

I traveled again this week for a board meeting of the Wyoming Women's Foundation (please donate) as I am all about furthering women and girls in my state, yo. The younger Baboo hugged me upon return and asked "Are you going to stay home for a while NOW?".

Silly boy.
Of course not.

I cannot be stopped, you can only hope to contain me.

In need for a last  minute Halloween costume, Special Agent and I went almost as ourselves as an "under the influence Starlet and her Bodyguard". After a long drive across a big state, it wasn't tough to look like Lindsay Lohan's mug shot. Special Agent looked particularly dashing. We attended some friends' party and were (besides the host) the OLDEST ones there. Screw it. We played some Stray Cats on the Ipod and watched them scatter to the kitchen. Infants.

You can't see my prescription pill bottle or my
smeared makeup as well as I wish you could. I also skipped undies
in honor of celebrities who have bared it all unintentionally while
exiting the limo. Yes, I did! Prove I didn't....you can't. 

Still trying hard to get on my blog-ness and write something interesting. I will join some of the challenges again someday and try to make magic.

Some other things you may have missed while I was gone.

 - You no longer need TWO spaces after punctuation at the end of a sentence (this isn't new, but I am on a mission to stop). Originally intended to give a more visual break on a typewriter, they have gone the way of the Dodo...and Pluto. Good luck correcting this habit. I am in a 12 step program. Yes, I have to backtrack and remove spaces...a lot

 - Occupy Wall Street has been in the news a lot lately, but rather than standing in the cold getting a sore throat, occupy your mailbox and use this guy's tactic for telling big banking what you think of them...on their dime.

The Way Back Machine Weekend

I had the somewhat unusual advantage of starting kindergarten and graduating high school without ever leaving my school district.

No moving.
No new school.
I went from Elementary to Junior High to High School with all of the same group. Like a cult, but without plural marriage.

In first grade, I sealed the friend deal with several girls including twin, whose parents knew one another and therefore felt safe allowing all of us to attend birthday parties and eventually attend sleepovers at their house. Somehow, our group was named "the group". Not inventive, but it stuck. Not too many ever got in, and no one ever got out. Permanently, anyway.

My pals at the school track meet. We wore jeans and Twin and I
rocked the three-legged race. Go Panthers!

Twin and I in matching stripes at our birthday party with a
member of the fledgling "Group". Mandie is trying to steal
my Barbie. I am going to sock her in the chops. 

There were bumps...oh yeah. 4-6 elementary-aged girls is a perfect storm for drama and we had plenty over the years. Many a slumber party ended in disaster as we worked our way through 'girl'dom.

As we grew older toward Jr. High and High School, we made other friends, but the bond of this elementary school group never really disappeared. Even completely pissed at each other, even for years, the friendship remains.We're like cousins, all knowing everyone's background, embarrassing family crap, and that they used to stuff their bra.

Not really.

The friend ship may end if she learns
about these photos, so..
don't tell her.
(credit to Funky Jocata for these photos)

We all had our graduation reception together, grew up and eventually married The Navy Man, The Politician and The Business Mogul and Special Agent, respectively. Two work in the medical field, one is in education, and I am still finding myself. Everyone had two kids, one having a third. I am literally tripping down memory lane while I gather up some photos for this weekend when I plan to see them.

Special Agent being a BADASS back in the day.
We couldn't stand each other in high school, and then..
we got married. 

Me in high school, looking like I am dancing like George Michael in the Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go video. 

I love these girls like family and the reunion weekend in ON. I am sneaking off with some of them this very day to stay at one of the group's new ski chalet in Colorado (maybe it isn't a ski chalet, but that is what I am calling it the whole weekend).  I invited Twin, but she couldn't join us. She's scared.

While we all see each other off an on when they return to town, this group hasn't had a full on slumber party(there was never topless pillow fighting, grow up)  in about, ahem, 25 years...unless you count Senior Party, in which we had a kegger in a field and passed out in horse trailers with about 100 of our closest classmates. One of the group drank way too much and threw up in the trash can the next day during graduation practice. We were awfully proud of our DARE student and Class President. Way to go!

You know who you are.

Our plans for the weekend are showing our age. Our host is threatening to drag us to an Arbonne party at the neighbors the first night in. She promised wine. Arbonne does in fact make me look youthful, since I break out like a pubescent teenager whenever I go near it, so I may not partake. Luckily, I am comfortable to lay on the couch and watch TV while they go. With wine. The rest of the weekend will be filled with a winery tour (see a theme here?), maybe a spa trip and if we feel ambitious and the weather cooperates a mountain hike.

I am totally singing Rocky Mountain High...or at least as much of it as I know. Which is only "Rocky Mountain Hiiiiigh, Colorado". That should be enough for anyone.

Happy weekend!

Dr. Onion's Fishy Experiment in Self Diagnosis and Treatment

DISCLAIMER

 (If I had an attorney, he would suggest I do this, among other things)

 Although you may be inspired by this post, Do NOT try to remove your own appendix or perform your own rhinoplasty based upon what I hope are my positive results at self doctoring. This post in no way advocates the self diagnosis or treatment of you or others in your household. Don't even *THINK* of trying to sue me when your home amputation goes wrong. I'm rubber and you're glue, people. 

________________________________________________________________


I'm sick.


"Puny", as Mae would say. I won't die of it certainly, but I have felt better in my life.


I am no good at being sick. Some actually enjoy wearing pj's all day, sleeping for long hours interrupted and watching daytime TV. Some even enjoy going to the doctor, which I think.... Is. Weird.


The Onion is enjoys none of these.

The Onion is a bit of a whiny baby pissy pants when sick...

Luckily, I am almost NEVER sick. But today, I am the epitome of  "Sniffling, Sneezing, Coughing, Aching, Stuffy Head, Fever -I can't rest" that the medicine ad proclaims me. 


They forgot crabby. 

After self-medicating with whatever I could find in our over the counter supply, including a night with Prince Nyquil, I stumbled across some antibiotics someone didn't finish (I know...don't judge). Sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy headed-ness doesn't really bespeak antibiotics, but the popping ears and muted hearing sure does.


Yes, it does.


Why not? Threw a couple down my gullet. Amoxicillian. Relatively harmless.


Amazingly, I felt better that day. I continued to another dose and felt very smug that I had taken care of my own little self, and sniffed while I watched old DVR taped episodes of America's Next Top Model. 


(I loathe Tyra Banks. Is there a more narcissistic person in the world? And that's coming from a blogger.)


The problem was...I only had a few left. Like a junkie (on antibiotics?) I shook the bottle, counted to see how long it would last. Not long. 


This is the part where I have to admit that I am fortunate enough to have good insurance and plenty of money to go to a proper doctor. I also know that antibiotics are cheap, prescription-wise. The doctor who prescribes them just doesn't happen to be. I could go to the doctor. 


I just don't wanna. 


Since I was welded to the couch for days, I had a lot of time for workthe Internet. Just for fun, I looked up antibiotics to see if I could score some of my own and was terrified at the obvious overseas website designed to 'keep you healthy long time'


Um, no. Those could be sugar pills..or Drano. 


But, what also showed up were sites from your friendly American SURVIVALIST, and those folks have done their homework on everything from dehydrated meals to stockpiling ammo to...you guessed it, medical needs for when the apocalypse or whatever arrives. 

There was a lot of camo themed blogs and message strings about how to keep moisture out of gun powder and what not. I happened across some interesting information that prior to this couch-ridden day, I had not know before. 


1. Fish require antibiotics. 
2. Fish respond to the same antibiotics that humans respond to
3. The antibiotics that fish and humans take are made at the same pharmaceutical facilities
4. Fish antibiotics do not require a prescription.


Mom People, stop freaking out. I am a research nerd and I have spent hours researching this topic. HOURS. COUCH PARALYZED HOURS looking up the pros and cons, possible medical issues one could have and even the pharmaceutical companies which produce them. I was able to look up the fish antibiotics, take the code off of the pill capsule, and then search for it on the AARP's pill identifier. I was also able to take the code off of the pill to look up the pharmaceutical producer and identify the pills there again, and see a little info about the company. It is not driven toward pets, in fact it never mentions it as a market, go look! It is the real deal, and is located in the U.S. from what I can see.


(I also read the reviews on Amazon, not very scientific, but usually accurate.)


Of course I looked at the downside. I play fair.


The potential risks of ordering Fish antibiotics are this:
1. Allergic reaction
2. Utilizing the wrong antibiotic for the wrong ailment
3. Growing gills (KIDDING!)
4. Building a tolerance to antibiotics

To be fair, here is an article about the negative side of humans using veterinary medicines, but still only list allergic reaction as the most dangerous side effect to antibiotic use. Did I mention, i will not try to take feline-leukemia pills to get high? I won't. 


You know by now that I ordered myself some antibiotics. 100 250 mg amoxicillian capsules for around $20 with shipping. 


Stop freaking out. I have some commons sense. 


When the antibiotics arrived, I opened the container and used AARP pill identifier again. I looked it up on a few just because I'm thorough like that.  


Maybe some of you know that my Dad was not a rule follower and that bending the rules is commonplace...so I quickly utilized my same life theory to justify that I would not:


1. Suffer allergic reaction, since I have taken amoxicillian before. If I did, it would be no different than when the doctor prescribed me cyclines TWICE with minor issues. ('Cyclines are not for me, but 'Cillians...oh yeah)


2. That there are 1,000 hits on Google for what antibiotics are needed for which ailment available to me online, many from medical texts. 


3. I will not attempt to do anything further than treat minor ailments, not try to give myself an open heart surgery. 


4. I already avoid going to the doctor and do not like to take anything beyond Excedrin. If a natural course of antibiotics taken did not have the desired effect (wellness), I would see a doctor. If I were taking antibiotics for ailments more than 2 x in one year, I would need to see a doctor. 


Update: One week later


I am still alive.

In fact, I am much better. I took the fish antibiotics and..


I did not die. 
I did not become a survivalist
I did not grow gills
I am not making fish faces...much.

I believe they are the same antibiotics I would have gotten from my doctor. From a pharmaceutical company just like the one I bought them from. 


And, I feel better.


Nothing fishy about that.