Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Look Kids...it's Big Ben!...Parliament....

After several grueling days of catching up on laundry and lounging by the pool...I am headed back on the open road for a trip to the farmland homeland of my parents.

My Mother planned to make this trip on her own, as she has many, many times but flooding in Iowa has created a detour right in the CENTER of her route. The new route makes her a little nervous, so the baboos and I are jumping on board for the the trip.

Eighteen marvelous hours with The Onion, her Baboos and her Mother. Instead of traveling through scenic Iowa, we will be heading south to trailblaze across beautiful Nebraska. ZZZZZZZZZ...Then detour further SOUTH -  further into the Cornhusker state and then across KANSAS in order to get across the flooded areas..

Who knows, Topeka might be awesome. I have never been there, so...open mind.

You are HERE
But you can't go THERE
You gots to go around.

En route, we will stop by a major airport and gather an Aunt who is also coming in. We will see a lot of people who will all think my kids look like someone else. They will also remark on how big I have gotten.


I will bid one of my favorite Uncles a final farewell; I will miss his expressions. I will again suffer the loss of my own father as I watch my cousins say goodbye to theirs.

I will visit Huck's mini mart and possibly get a blue eagle sno-cone for old time's sake. My kids will hopefully catch lightening bugs. We will celebrate the 4th of July in a hometown that isn't ours.  My hair will grow exponentially in the humidity. I will hug a lot of people I don't really know.

On the way back, we will be "plus one" my 92 year old Granny Grunt.

After a hiatus, I feel a blog coming on...

Friday, June 24, 2011

Back in the Saddle..in my swimsuit

After quite a long hiatus, I am back in the blogging saddle. One would imagine that I am absolutely *bursting* with interesting blog fodder, but I will admit, I am doing a lot of blinking at the screen.



I think I may be suffering from "Island-Brain", which causes the afflicted to suffer from bouts of continued laziness, desire to lay by the pool, swimming in place of showering and day-drinking.

The Dominican was a great trip. Very relaxing with a zip lining and surfing excursions (Yes, me too. In fact, I was a natural and will be joining the Rockies Chapter of the USA Surf Team). The kids were their usual level of awesomeness in the face of long travel days, and enjoyed many hours in the pool as well as the all-inclusive room service option.

The Onion family, surfing the baby waves..

Sweet Baboo #1 doing her thang. 
Like real tourists, we Northerners got a little too red in spite of our continued application of SPF 1,000 sunscreen. The Dominican mosquitoes appeared to ENJOY my skin marinated in Deep Woods Off.  We spent some time near some Irish folks, commiserating. We drank a LOT of free drinks by the pool, and on only one occasion did I hover near blackout status. It was pretty warm unless you were by the pool, prompting one moment of after dinner skinny dipping in the pool while Special Agent held my dress and played lookout.

I didn't blog.
I didn't check Facebook.
In fact, I didn't even turn on the phone.

Sweet Baboo #2 refused to cut his hair so he could have the right
surfer look for this excursion. I think he pulled it off, don't you? 
It was both nice and a little strange to unplug entirely. When I woke early, I went for a walk, checked out the flamingos, read my Kindle. As the week wore on, I felt a small amount of anxiety about not being in contact with my family and friends AT ALL, but being cheap about roaming charges won out.

The only time I really cringed that I didn't have the phone camera was when I came across a fellow traveler sitting poolside in a Euro-speedo number, who looked like an elder Zeus with flowing silver mane, a smoldering pipe (you heard me) and giant headphones over his ears. It was a missed opportunity, for certain.

I am sure he is wearing a speedo in this. Add a pipe, some
giant headphones and a lilty  Greek barrage of chatter and
you've got it.
It was interesting that during conversations, no one's phone rang, no one checked their messages. It was relaxing, uninterrupted. Why in the world are we always feeling the need to check in? In the Dominican, we unplugged for a week and you know what happened?


World still spun, work still continued. When we arrived in New York and turned on our phones the messages were not urgent and everyone survived without us for a week. We checked in, but I noticed we didn't have the death grip on the blackberry that we had when we flew out. I see it creeping back in, but I am trying to fight it.

"Island-Brain" isn't all bad.

 So what if I sleep in my swimsuit?

Saturday, June 11, 2011

MIA at A Lot of Layers

My apologies, I have been utterly and completely MIA lately as far as posting goes. It has been several weeks of birthday celebrations, the end of school and other nonsense. I also needed a creep break after a bit of unpleasantness reminded me that truly ANYONE can read your posts. Eww. But, I am over it. Child predators, please kill yourselves.

I have been preparing and packing for our trip to the Dominican Republic, in which I have been warned agreed NOT to bring my computer (deep breaths). I have not traveled without a laptop since I can't-remember-when and it makes me feel a little veklempt.

This is the moment I realized I had tossed my Blackberry
in the suitcase at some point in the packing process 10 layers down.
 Don't tell Special Agent if I post a blog from the Blackberry. Also, don't look closely at the spelling. It is tough to type a post on those wee, tiny buttons. But I just might do it.

Listen...can you hear typing?
I also need to sneak the computer with me so I can catch up with all of your blogs. I am way behind on your witty and interesting posts. I am sure most of you can relate that each new bit of great writing means you are now following another blog. When your blogroll feels like a "to do" list you are furiously trying to accomplish, The Onion needs to get a grip. On the upside of this, you are all hilarious.

As I lounge on the couch, watching informercials of 30-day body challenges, I realize that I am about 30 days behind in the process with regard to a beach ready body. Oh well, I purposely picked an Americanized resort after a bad experience with a lot of hot Europeans several years ago on our Mexico trip. I hadn't realized real people could be that good looking.

I have never felt so American....it was the mental equivalent
of wearing black socks with sandals....
This time, I am hauling my beach chair closer to this fella:

But....(and I mean that figuratively)..I think I will sit on his other side.

Happy weekend.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

When Blogging Gets Creepy

So, I should have know that writing a post about posing nude, even in the interest of ART or to build a better self body image might bring out the kooks.

So NOT pervy..

I received a message to my Facebook Page via my crackberry yesterday from an interesting looking fellow, who shared that he is a photographer, Optical/Aerospace Engineer...and Nudist.

and is 72.

The visual was distracting, but I pressed on.

He shared that he was willing to chat further about my interest in nude modeling.  Of course.

I cocked an eyebrow at the crackberry. He seemed like an odd duck.

I kept reading. He was also from Wyoming. Hmmm.

Nude in Wyoming.


I considered this "shared state" business. I wasn't sure if this was a good thing. I like lots of distance in FB stalkers, something I wrote about here.

I have also mentioned here that I have a little obsession with Google. When I got home, I Googled Mr. Nudie just to make sure he wasn't a dangerous somebody.

I pursed my lips and nodded slowly, feeling the eyebrows come out.

Ok, now I am pissed.

He was a dangerous somebody.

In fact, he was a registered sex offender in my fine state. Incest. Further Googling made me sick, and I shuddered that I had even entertained having a conversation with this person in any format. It also caused me to remove all identifying names and places from my Facebook and Blogger account, as well as blocking the writer.

God damn it.

Just made me want to take the whole blog down.

Take this blog and shove it.

Special Agent is going to flip. (Stop flipping Special Agent)

While the writer deserves to have his photo posted, I am not going to share it and exacerbate this situation.

I will however, link to the site where you can check to see the list of sex offenders in your area and make yourself aware of who may be acting like a benign and interested party, but who might really not be someone you want to share time with, period.


Search by name, State, City, neighborhood, etc and then prepare to be pissed
off when you realize how MANY there are and how close they live.
Notice: If you are kind of strange, have a lot of layers but are harmless, welcome to my blog. If you have done harm to others, especially children, you can F*** off. Don't come here. 

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

The Rapture is No Match for The Onion's Self Promoting Behavior

My post is up on BlogHer  (go look. I'll wait. Be sure to notice I am SPOTLIGHTED on the left of the page..) today, after they had a glitch in posting it last week. I blame The Rapture, since my post was not Rapture-supportive.

I was supposed to be featured on the Home Page as well, but that is still MIA.

I blame The Rapture.

In fact, I am going to blame The Rapture for everything that doesn't go my way for the next three months. By then, The Rapture, Part Deaux should be in full swing.

Cable bill is late? Rapture.
Laundry piling up? That's normal, no...RAPTURE!
Late to meeting....you know..it was THE RAP-CHA...

Harold Camping, thanks for being my scapegoat. Love ya.