All I Want for Christmas is NOT Thong Underwear

See Video. Go ahead, watch it a few times...


Beautiful ladies.. Sexy kitten voices and spectacular undies. And jealousy of the alien forms wearing them (Talk about the 1%..).







The commercial asks men to do the following: 


Tell me you love me.
Tell me you want me
Tell me you miss me.
Excite me.
Dazzle me.
Delight me.
Tell me there is no other woman in the world... like me. 


Good stuff, right? So why is this video annoying me today? 
I like pretty, sexy ladies. 


I have received VS goods several times as a sort of "gift that keeps on giving" and I completely get it. But somehow the idea that the way to tell a woman, an EVERY-WOMAN that you love, want, miss, her, etc. is by ordering her tiny, uncomfortable underthings makes me think man someone, somewhere is missing the point. 


I think whoever created this commercial knew the short staccato instructions produced are what men like, especially from half naked supermodels. 


Good work. 


But the person who wrote this failed to write a commercial with the gift recipient in mind because, if they had asked, would probably learn that women just want you to TELL them those things. 


And not with underwear. 
With REAL WORDS.  
But that wouldn't sell much underwear, now would it?


*Overshare Alert*


Tough guy Special Agent wouldn't want me to tell you he is sappy and romantic, but he is. While he isn't afraid to buy some fancy underthangs, he has wisely done the pre-work to hopefully see such underthangs at a later date. 


He also has good timing. 


I was thinking of an earlier Onion, a post-partum onion who couldn't bear to look at VS catalogs (and certainly not commercials of anorexic women dressed as angels) when I wasn't too comfortable with my current state of being. At that moment in time, receiving anything where the exposure of midsection or thighs existed might have made me burst into tears, right there in my Mrs. Roper Mu-mu and nursing bra. 


Special Agent recognized this and instead bought me jewelry. 
He's a keeper.  


So, male readers (all two of you), this year, before maxing out the plastic, tell your not-tall, not-thin, not-flawless woman that:


You love her
You want her.
You miss her.


Excite her.
Dazzle her.
Delight her.
Tell her there is no other woman in the world... like her.


TELL her all of that...and you won't need lingerie. 

'Tis the Season to Catch Up with the Mentally Ill - Layers Rewind

Hi to all,


The holidays are upon us (Happy Hanukkah!) and I am seriously thinking about making sea salt truffles and laying on the couch. Instead, I am working. Still, when I think of high-end chocolate, I can't help but think of JJ, and when I will see him again. I sure hope it isn't on the 10:00 news. 


A post from last year about a chance meeting with my old pal. 

***************************************

I was in a rush this morning, and although all of you assume I go to the grocery store looking GREAT in my tiara and hotpants, today my hair was a bit of a fright. I was comparison shopping for high end baking chocolate to continue my love affair with the PW truffles and butter toffee and was literally RACING back and forth between aisles, muttering to myself like a crazy person with bad hair.


I made my selection and was headed back to put the non-sale candy bars back when I saw JJ (names have been changed to protect the mentally unbalanced..and me FROM the mentally unbalanced) racing TOWARD me down the same aisle. We physically collided. I smiled and said hi, as I have known JJ since junior high, and seem to run across him randomly about every two years. He looked overly happy to see me in my candy bar and bad hair frenzy and said "Hey, I was trying to chase you down!". Huh? While JJ and I know each other because he annoyed me daily when he sat behind me in Mr. Hall's 8th grade Social Studies class, we weren't friends in school. In fact, i don't know WHO JJ was friends with, as he was a bit of an oddity even then. He was a smidge of 'Bender' in The Breakfast Club, all about the inappropriate language and classroom outbursts and also like some of the folks I see on the 16th street mall in Denver. Except friendlier, like that guy who talks to you the whole flight. Mix that all together. 

A little Bender, plus...





Talky guy on plane, plus...







This sweet specimen = JJ





This crazy JJ fellow is always happy to see me, and I must admit, it is always an adventure seeing him. I saw him many years ago when I had first returned to the area. I was working at a bank, which was the worst job I have ever held. It was stifling. From the lowly teller line, I could see JJ sitting, slumped in a chair in the loan department, looking bored, his foot up on a chair leg in the waiting area. He waved, I waved and then slunk back to my prison of a job. He didn't look nervous...just annoyed to have been kept waiting by the banker...at 21 years old. As I left for lunch, i caught a glimpse of JJ, riding down the road on a new (to him) motorcycle. It wasn't fancy, but he looked like a kid on Christmas Day as the wind whipped his Bender style haircut. He was grinning hugely, and gave me a big military style salute. The loan was for this bike, and he has gotten it. Of course he had. 



In the grocery aisle, JJ didn't let my shock bother him one bit, and instead launched into a story about (I think?) quitting smoking. I smiled and said "good for you", which only inspired more talking about the following things:

(Please picture me smashed against the spice racks, holding 6 giant candy bars against my chest with a terrified smile on my face, trying to look relaxed. Add a lot of nodding)

 - Murder (I suggested adding murder to his quitting smoking list since our reunion is in a few years, but he said it was OK, since no one would find the bodies. Seriously.)

 -  Dominating the scrap iron business - he felt his success could also lead to retribution by his competitors and would need to start "carrying a gun again." Yep, he said again.

 

 - His Girlfriend - he loves this one, so they are NOT going the "ripping each other's clothes off" route this time. She has had an extended illness, so there may or may not be an issue with her legs - I was unclear on that. However, he did tell me she was beautiful with long blond hair (i thought of my own shaggy hair at this moment - WHY?), and that her t*ts were just were just where they should be (ahem.). Most Excellent. We agreed I had probably heard enough descriptors at that point. (OK, maybe I said that.) He threw his head back and laughed, saying "Stacie, you are cracking me up!"

 - Several physical altercations - i can't really describe what I heard here, as he was getting pretty animated.  I did hear every swear word I know, even the ones you NEVER hear...and especially not in the baking aisle at 9:15 in the morning. He was acting out some of the fighting, so he was pointing his finger one inch from my face as he demonstrated the tirade he gave to someone who had it coming. I know my eyes were freakishly wide, although I was trying to pretend this was all old hat to me. ((Nervous giggle, while looking around nervously)) Passersby seemed to be considering dialing 911.

 - Drug use - not his, but a lot of other people who were "gobbling up 'shrooms in the poolhouse" (Poolhouse?? in Wyoming?) and "taking more than their TIME.. (wink!)", etc. I have some new catch phrases for drug use now, anyhow.

 - Financial Stability - I should be honest and say that I know not a thing about JJ, including where he lived or lives. His father was also a bit of an eccentric, lived out of town on land with a spray painted graphic (and misspelled) sign to potential trespassers at the entrance.  I can't say if either were financially set as I was told today. However, maybe they are? According to JJ, it's remarkable. And why wouldn't I believe it? He has told me everything else this morning.

 Do you have a good visual? I hope so. Don't be afraid. Although JJ has apparently put the smack down on many, and seems slightly off balance, here is the weirdest thing:

Seeing JJ made my morning today. As I shared the story with others who knew JJ from back in the day, I couldn't stop smiling. As I write this, I still can't. JJ is a colorful character and a part of my history, and made the effort to chase me down at 9:15 am, even though he had finished his shopping JUST to share a bit of time telling me how things are going and even to ask a bit about me. JJ is a character, but one that made my mundane morning a little less mundane, you know?

Merry Christmas JJ. It was nice to see you. Please don't kill anyone in 2011.  

Reverse Thanksgiving

I am feeling a little snarky and ungrateful about the world since my-probably-could-have-gone-viral-TDay-post was chewed up and swallowed by Blogger (and then handily saved over) last week. 


I coulda been a contenda..  :-(

I write important shit here, y'know? 

So my blog BFF and I Munch decided that we would have our own little challenge. He was avoiding work, so he jumped on it Friday and finished his this weekend. I was avoiding work, so I did laundry and packed for a ass kicking drive to baboo sports tournaments this weekend.


CHALLENGE TOPIC
Although it is rude, and will probably send an instant message to KARMA to kick me square in the bleacher butt (see below), Munch and I's challenge was to write a list of the things we are NOT thankful for. I haven't looked at his, or I will be tempted to plagiarize. His is here, take a look. 


I know, I know....settle down Pilgrims. I have much to be thankful for, every day, every way. But today is not that day. Thursday is that day. Pay attention. 


This is ((cue music)) The Onion's snarky-bad-attitude-having-does-not-deserve-a-visit-from-Santa-list of things I am NOT thankful for today . Ahem. 


1. Road Trips to Sporting Events
2 hours of sitting in car + 9 hours of sitting on bleachers + 3.5 hours sitting in car + 9 hours of sitting in bleachers = bleacher butt. To super-size, add concession stand fare. 

Dear Santa..

Accessories to Road Trip Weekend include: Bag full of my kindle, 3 containers of gatorade/water, kleenex for whomever bleeds, bottle of Tylenol for injured players and/or frustrated bridge-of-nose-pinching Special Agent, someone's shoes, someone's slippers, a random t-shirt, half eaten granola bar, a pen lid but no pen, some electronic gaming devices, a tourney program (at the bottom, wet), and something I think may have once been a banana. 


2. Ring-Back Tones 
You, my friend are not bringing sexy back. You ARE annoying the hell out of me with your ring-back tone. It's a little pushy to make me listen to a song YOU like while I wait for you to get finished putting styling product in your hair before answering, don't you think? 
I was tempted to install a ring back tone which would cover the day's headlines, but then I remembered that is something I want to hear. So I just listen to it my damn self, capice?


3. Smoking on me
Don't get my wrong, like your porn addiction, I don't CARE what you do when you're alone. Live 'it up, suckas. But, DON'T smoke on me. I don't care if it is your office, car or Silence of the Lambs style prisoner dungeon. If I want to smoke, I will (Oh yes, I will). Those who want to smoke, do. Those who don't, don't want to smoke your backwashed air. And don't crack that fricking window a centimeter and then nod and smile like you just invented the cure for POLIO. In a moving vehicle, it just drives the smoke back into the car, Dad.

Whatever kid, but not by me, ok?

4. Those who refuse technology
You don't tweet? I don't care. Anti-Facebook? Whatev, but you are missing out. But those who do not check their email? Nor do they have text messaging on their phone? Seriously? Would you like us to drive to your house to let you know the event time has changed by half an hour? Perhaps we could update you on the weather by U.S. Postal Service? I appreciate all of your commitment to a non-technology life rhetoric, but you are creating a pain in the ass for the people who DO use it as a convenience for themselves. At least pick one. 


5. The Affliction craze
Stop this. Please stop this immediately. I can overlook a few Tapout shirts for those of you who are using MMA as a methadone patch to Bloodsport, but angel wings? No. I can't decide if they are worse on men or women, but I am leaning toward men. Especially those who are wearing them painted on over Arnie-like spray tanned muscles. Men, please be men. Not frosted-tipped angels. You look like a douche. Please and thanks. 

6. Twitter
I still don't get it. 


7. Passive-Aggressive behavior. 
Stop needlin' me people. Just come out with the bee that is under your bonnet and we can deal with it or agree to disagree. But stop blabbering at me with your, "that's an interesting idea, but.."s and a smile pasted on your face while we negotiate terms more difficult than NATO's. Just spit it out and then puleeze go away.


8. Pet hair
For Christmas, I am asking Santa for electrolysis for all of our pets who have a beacon for freshly dried laundry, my side of the bed and anything dark i want to wear. 

I am going to consider this for my next
career move, right after I throw up.

9. Facebook Overshares
Funny, witty comments need not apply. Interesting articles and local event info, you are welcome here. Weird, vague or sappy posts regarding your skin condition, your self esteem, a low-blow shout out to your ex about not coming to your kids' science fair and 90% of jr. high kids posts, I am talking to you. 


10. OCD
Because of my own OCD issues, it has taken me a while today to follow my own "fall" color scheme (please notice), while making sure to post an even number of entries. I am off now to lock/unlock the door 36 times.


What are YOU not thankful for this year??