Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Tub Nostalgia

The Onion and her bad influence friend, 2011
This post comes from a hot bath, about a photo in a hot tub. There's probably a message in there somewhere.

This is a new photo, but I keep stopping at it as I miss the girls of my youth and reminisce about the recent Way Back Machine trip. The one in the back is me.  In the foreground, one of my best friends (and sometimes worst enemy) since grade school.

We met the first day of kindergarten, when she said to me at play time;

"Let's run."

I was the product of a strict mother and knew running was against the rules. Again, she said:

"Let's run." 

So we did.

And, we got in trouble.
And, we had to sit in time out.

My twin sister watched with big eyes as I sat in the central time out chairs, looking like the dog with the cone around my head. We both knew our Mother would not approve. And that she would probably find out about this incident of time-out-ness.

The girl in the foreground?
She didn't care.
She didn't cry ( I considered it)

Look at her in the photo. That was the exact look she had on her face....

I was hooked.

This post was inspired by a Write on Edge prompt asking me to write about a photograph of myself. Apologies in advance for the swimwear. 

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Overnight Sensation

Click to play for full effect, yo.

This week, The Red Writing Hood asked me to envision “making it big.” So big, in fact, that my great novel  (yeah, right) is being made into a movie – my task was to envision the song that would be playing during the pivotal scene of a movie based on your novel . . . once you have the song set, write that scene.
In 300 words.

Of course, I went over. Like I care; I'm FAMOUS, people. Get me a Perrier.

((Click PLAY ABOVE))

The scene
Widescreen view of the open plain. The golden sun is sweeping over the late summer landscape, giving everything the look of morning, renewal. The camera picks up a car traveling down a 2 lane highway. A conversation is heard, growing more audible as the camera slowly zooms into the car as the opening credits fade in and out. 

With the music and the garbled conversation in the background, the camera looms over the passenger seat area full of maps, a box of crackers, giant chai tea in the cup holder, unopened bottle of champagne sticking out of the mess, candy, gum wrappers, laptop computer bursting with paper, general messiness. Music fades as voices get louder in car.

Talking to speakerphone in car. ((excited)) I know.... I KNOW! 

Friend #1
It's spectacular, it's fantastic, I am dyyyying of jealousy. Tell me all of it. Tell me EV-RE-THANG....what did Special Agent Say? What did you say? Who called you? 

(quoting movie) "You must chill. You must chill. I have hidden your keys." 

Friend #1
((laughing)) Ok, chilling. I am just so happy for you. 

Well, the post had been getting a lot of traffic and frankly, I was a little surprised since it was a thrown together mess. But, apparently it hit a nerve somewhere and Shazam! I am driving to Denver to fly into LA for a meeting. Their girl called my gi.., er, me.

Friend #1
Random. WHAT in hell do you wear to a meeting with movie producers?

Yeah…that’s a problem. I don’t know why they don’t give you a stylist BEFORE you make it, or rather as you are TRYING to make it. That is when you really need it. The humidity is going to make my hair look like Rosanne Roseannadanna, dressed in a bad suit. I hope those What Not To Wear freaks are lurking around the office and snatch me up. Ugh - I can’t think about it. I guess writers can be ugly.

Friend #1         
Stop it! You aren’t ugly. Besides, it might be refreshing to see someone with real breasts and their own hair. But to be safe, be sure to wear a push up bra.

(laughing) I am giving a shout out to the "organic look". Organic is SO NOW, you know.

Friend #1
Hahaha…you’ll be fine. ((phone crackling)) Quit being so hard on yourself! ((Service getting worse)) You’re AWE..(line crackles out).

((Frowning at broken connection and then smiles lightly, finishing friend #1’s word))..SOME.
The music returns lightly, as if on the radio. The Onion hums along to the tune, substituting the words “You’re awesome” for the lyrics.

You’re Awesome…youuuuu’re awesome. Awesome..awwwww.some. You’re-awesome-you’re awesome.....awesome-awesome-awesome-awesome....

The Onion stops singing but continues to tap inn rhythm on the steering wheel, staring out the window to the open plain. She’s smiling, still musing about being awesome.

The Onion
((sighing, says quietly.)) I guess she’s right; I’m kinda awesome.

(as the Onion is smiling dreamily, the car starts to shimmy, noises erupt and she stops smiling and grips the wheel as she maneuvers the car to the side of the road. The camera angle switches to the the tire, spinning in strips, around the wheel. The car stops.

Last scene is of The Onion, standing in the open prairie on the side of the road, thumb out.
The Onion
((mutters)) I’m awesome.

Fade to black.

Ahem. Some of the possibilities to play The Onion:

Thursday, November 24, 2011

And For Bacon, err.. This, I am Truly Thankful..

Now, come on. You didn't REALLY think I would let my favorite Go away, Christmas Season holiday go by without at least a short post about how lucky I am in my life. I am getting over the eaten post. With the 18 lb turkey waiting for a buttered cheesecloth blanket, I sit with the baboo watching the next Harry Potter installation and eating blueberry scones. I feel thankful. 

I can't help but think of those who may not have the concerns of not having enough matching plates, not enough tupperware for all of the leftovers for all the food no one will be able to eat. 

Some other things I am thankful for this morning, in no particular order. (this is my list, get your own.)

The Fam:

Special Agent: My true partner who doesn't mind filling non traditional roles in order to let me fill non traditional roles. We have certainly had our share of cobbled road, but we have something special and that guy makes me laugh, even after 20 years.  He will also roll chocolate balls for truffles, even if only to use the words "my balls" inappropriately in every way possible. It's Thanksgiving, use your imagination. 

The Baboos: I have so enjoyed being home more to enjoy all of the little things I was missing in their lives. They possess the wit and sarcasm that I have always hoped for in them, along with having kind hearts. They are rule followers like their Dad, which I am still trying to ruin. 

Our Fam: We are everything a family is: Messy, dysFUNctional, and even have some wounds we hope to heal. Nonetheless, we love each other despite our differences and even have a lot of fun when we manage to carve out a meal together. Good thing for Thanksgiving. 

Granny and the Baboo, and not even at a sports event!

MadMax: My niece Madigan is an inspiration to all every day. Her journey is one fraught with hard work, but you won't find a happier kid. She lacks the ability to feel sorry for herself, a blessing we should all be cursed with. She makes the saying" whatsamatta? Ya got half a brain or something?" seem like a compliment. She and her brother won't be with us for dinner today, which will be a break for her Mom and obsessive Granny, but will join us for dessert. Then, batten down the hatches.
Even rainbows can't resist this critter.

Flexibility: I am so, so fortunate to have been able to leave my job and become a consultant in order not to miss the little things. I know most don't have that opportunity, and I will try not to take it for granted. 

Flavor: Chocolate and sea salt. Bacon and pecans. It's no wonder I am no longer a size 6. 

DVR: I have never wasted time so efficiently. 

Good friends, old and new: What can I say about those who knew me when, and those who knew me now? We share it all, and even surprise each other. We all have a niche with each other. They're special.  They make me feel special. You know who you are. 
Who you calling "old", friend?
One of us has had too much blueberry
beer in this photo, up to you to decide who..
Blogging: I know nothing I write here is earth shattering, but it gives me an outlet and has allowed me to think creatively again. And I get to give myself a nickname. 

I could keep going, as I have many, many things to be thankful for. But that bird isn't going to butter himself. Hey, where'd he go? 
Today and every day, I am thankful. 

Monday, November 21, 2011

Reverse Thanksgiving

I am feeling a little snarky and ungrateful about the world since my-probably-could-have-gone-viral-TDay-post was chewed up and swallowed by Blogger (and then handily saved over) last week. 

I coulda been a contenda..  :-(

I write important shit here, y'know? 

So my blog BFF and I Munch decided that we would have our own little challenge. He was avoiding work, so he jumped on it Friday and finished his this weekend. I was avoiding work, so I did laundry and packed for a ass kicking drive to baboo sports tournaments this weekend.

Although it is rude, and will probably send an instant message to KARMA to kick me square in the bleacher butt (see below), Munch and I's challenge was to write a list of the things we are NOT thankful for. I haven't looked at his, or I will be tempted to plagiarize. His is here, take a look. 

I know, I know....settle down Pilgrims. I have much to be thankful for, every day, every way. But today is not that day. Thursday is that day. Pay attention. 

This is ((cue music)) The Onion's snarky-bad-attitude-having-does-not-deserve-a-visit-from-Santa-list of things I am NOT thankful for today . Ahem. 

1. Road Trips to Sporting Events
2 hours of sitting in car + 9 hours of sitting on bleachers + 3.5 hours sitting in car + 9 hours of sitting in bleachers = bleacher butt. To super-size, add concession stand fare. 
Dear Santa..
Accessories to Road Trip Weekend include: Bag full of my kindle, 3 containers of gatorade/water, kleenex for whomever bleeds, bottle of Tylenol for injured players and/or frustrated bridge-of-nose-pinching Special Agent, someone's shoes, someone's slippers, a random t-shirt, half eaten granola bar, a pen lid but no pen, some electronic gaming devices, a tourney program (at the bottom, wet), and something I think may have once been a banana. 

2. Ring-Back Tones 
You, my friend are not bringing sexy back. You ARE annoying the hell out of me with your ring-back tone. It's a little pushy to make me listen to a song YOU like while I wait for you to get finished putting styling product in your hair before answering, don't you think? 
I was tempted to install a ring back tone which would cover the day's headlines, but then I remembered that is something I want to hear. So I just listen to it my damn self, capice?

3. Smoking on me
Don't get my wrong, like your porn addiction, I don't CARE what you do when you're alone. Live 'it up, suckas. But, DON'T smoke on me. I don't care if it is your office, car or Silence of the Lambs style prisoner dungeon. If I want to smoke, I will (Oh yes, I will). Those who want to smoke, do. Those who don't, don't want to smoke your backwashed air. And don't crack that fricking window a centimeter and then nod and smile like you just invented the cure for POLIO. In a moving vehicle, it just drives the smoke back into the car, Dad.
Whatever kid, but not by me, ok?
4. Those who refuse technology
You don't tweet? I don't care. Anti-Facebook? Whatev, but you are missing out. But those who do not check their email? Nor do they have text messaging on their phone? Seriously? Would you like us to drive to your house to let you know the event time has changed by half an hour? Perhaps we could update you on the weather by U.S. Postal Service? I appreciate all of your commitment to a non-technology life rhetoric, but you are creating a pain in the ass for the people who DO use it as a convenience for themselves. At least pick one. 

5. The Affliction craze
Stop this. Please stop this immediately. I can overlook a few Tapout shirts for those of you who are using MMA as a methadone patch to Bloodsport, but angel wings? No. I can't decide if they are worse on men or women, but I am leaning toward men. Especially those who are wearing them painted on over Arnie-like spray tanned muscles. Men, please be men. Not frosted-tipped angels. You look like a douche. Please and thanks. 

6. Twitter
I still don't get it. 

7. Passive-Aggressive behavior. 
Stop needlin' me people. Just come out with the bee that is under your bonnet and we can deal with it or agree to disagree. But stop blabbering at me with your, "that's an interesting idea, but.."s and a smile pasted on your face while we negotiate terms more difficult than NATO's. Just spit it out and then puleeze go away.

8. Pet hair
For Christmas, I am asking Santa for electrolysis for all of our pets who have a beacon for freshly dried laundry, my side of the bed and anything dark i want to wear. 
I am going to consider this for my next
career move, right after I throw up.
9. Facebook Overshares
Funny, witty comments need not apply. Interesting articles and local event info, you are welcome here. Weird, vague or sappy posts regarding your skin condition, your self esteem, a low-blow shout out to your ex about not coming to your kids' science fair and 90% of jr. high kids posts, I am talking to you. 

10. OCD
Because of my own OCD issues, it has taken me a while today to follow my own "fall" color scheme (please notice), while making sure to post an even number of entries. I am off now to lock/unlock the door 36 times.

What are YOU not thankful for this year?? 

The Onion, on Being Thankful - 2011 Edition

This year I am thankful for self -control: I wrote a lovely post about some things I am thankful for previous to this one and Blogger appears to have eaten it. It was spell checked and ready to fly.  I am tempted to hurl my laptop through the picture window in honor of the two hours I will never get back. Deep breaths.

Dear Blogger. I hate you.

Maybe Pilgrims did it.