Monday, February 21, 2011

Dammit People! Now, I'm Injured...

I think I am injured.
Yes, really.
No, it isn't from exercising. Duh.I don't work that hard.

It's crackenberry-itis. Yes, it is.













No relation to Frankenberry-itis.














And CERTAINLY not dingleberry-itis.










Two years of 50+ emails a day, travel to hell and back, lap-topping in every podunk airport chair and cramped plane seat, riddled with constant anxiety.... and nothing. My wrists felt dreamy.  Five months of consulting (much of that time spent cooking) and I am benched.

At first I thought I must have done something acute to my arm. I felt pain with I lifted plates from the cabinet and whisking eggs, butter and sugar together was a real chore! I thought for sure it was a truffle rolling injury, or carrying the grocery bags full of butter up the stairs to the kitchen. But, it remained. Nagging. Fleeting.

I decided to blame it on the whisking (WhiskING, not WhisKEY, people - pay attention). But the pain came and went. I knew enough about repetitive trauma to know that this was a swelling of the carpal tunnel of my wrist . I didn't tell anyone that I suspected the crackberry addiction had finally done me in. And I continued to crack away...allll dayyyy long.

My arm hurts from my elbow down, yet I used my limp arm and hand to google my condition and I found this

Are You Suffering From Blackberry Syndrome??

I sent the info to Special Agent (on my blackberry) and came clean as to my suspicions for my injury. As you could imagine, he was terribly worried, and wrote back:


As per the article I suggest you massage and stretch thoroughly before you your daily crackberry addiction. Possibly consider waiting until after you fully open your eyes while laying in bed before you start facebooking, texting, blogging, "researching", tweeting and twating. ...

Blackberry yoga might be another possible solution..















I can't tell you what I wrote back to Special Agent.













I have been trying to crack with my left hand, but it just isn't panning out (insert many masturbation jokes here). I am even trying to lay off the crack (Insert more masturbation jokes here), but to no avail. I need that thing. More than masturbation, even. (Sorry, even i couldn't resist).

I am too cheap to see a Doctor who will tell me that I need to lay off the crack. For now, I am pretending I have tennis elbow, from my extensive tennis career.

I am also considering an IPOD Touch, or a Droid. Next up, touch pad-itis. (Insert mas...oh, never mind.)

13 comments:

Michael Fox said...

I relate to this post, but I've succeeded in cracking with my left hand (insert masturbation jokes here) so I've prevented immediate onset of crackberry-itis!

Travis said...

Now that the iphone has come to verizon, it's time to put this blackberry nonsense behind you. your thumbs will love you for it.

Reptiles in the Ice Cream said...

maybe I need to hop on this crackwagon...

Danger Boy said...

Time to limber up the lefty, Onion. Don't hurt it worse by trying to tough through it.

Jumble Mash said...

LOL Luckily, I hate my cellphone so I have no injuries from it. Video games...though...may be another story.

Memphis Steve said...

I have a crackberry exactly like the one in your photograph. The way that I avoid serious crackberry injury is to limit my masturbation and TV channel flipping so as to provide my hands with maximum recovery time. I program my TV to be on the right channel each night so I don't have to flip around and I pay a 'professional' to handle the masturbatory duties for me. So, I suggest you program your TV and visit a strip club as often as necessary and you should recover soon.

The Onion said...

Your answers are cracking me up so much, I almost can't BELIEVE we are talking about my injury and not masturbation....wait a minute....

Lazarus said...

It's a common disease in this day and age. But loved your take on it!

Not So Simply Single said...

Oh, I thought I was the only one!

Great name for a blog! Got lots of layers too!

Lisa

Dani- danielleislosingit said...

Ipod touch! Ipod touch!!!!!

Or just ditch the phone all together and move to an ashram in India. Peace.

Jones Family said...

Wow! I am so glad that you posted on my blog!! <shamelessly inserting publicity plug for my own blog: http://msjanetjones.blogspot.com/ )

Because you posted on my blog I was just blog hopping on over here to pay my respects in the blog world. (Yanno that you gave my kid a bday gift so I have to give your kid a bday gift thing) The up side was that I found an entirely funny blog with a GREAT sense of humor! I love it!

Your "sad" number of followers will go up by one as soon as I finish this post. (And BTW you have more followers than I do on my blog so if you are sad then what does that make me??? NEVERMIND! Don't say! LOL)

Looking forward to reading more!

Jonsie~~

NerdyRedneck Rob said...

Back in the wild days of Y2k when 90 hours weeks were norm I developed Mouse arm. Somehow right clicking (right index finger) a mouse activates some little tendon or muscle or something in your *upper* arm. MY incredibly sexy and powerfully rippling keyboard muscles in my forearms are immune but somehow I had a HORRIBLE pain in my upper arm.

A seven day cruise with NO ELECTRONICS WHATSOEVER healed it but I am not sure the electron withdrawals were worth it. That first 3 days of the cruise panting, sweating and hallucinations in bed were pretty rough!

I never thought of masturbation though (shocking in and of itself) That could have helped with the withdrawals perhaps?

NerdyRedneck Rob said...

Wait! Correction! I'm a man so I need visuals. How could I possibly masturbate with out any electronics? So no, no help there!