Monday, January 31, 2011

The Social Awkwardness of Social Networking

Below are some excerpts from the oddest conversations I have had on Facebook recently. The ROI on my profile pic is questionable, since these are all from goofballs and not well spoken millionaires, but anyway...answer me: does this approach really work for those who are willing?  Do people really have these conversations and say "Why yes, I would love to meet up with your weird ass for a drink and possibly to be bound and gagged in the trunk of your car later.."? Discuss.


Forcible rape?? In my country we call that "seduction"

Friend request and accompanying message from a fellow from Europe who lists my high school as his, and shares several friends:


Latin Lover: 
I am liking how you are look to me. You are having boyfriend?
(I would like to add you to my collection of heads)


Me: 
Thank you. I'm married. Did you go to my high school?
(Why in the hell do you of the broken English know so many of my classmates?)


Latin Lover: 
Unintelligible explanation about high school connection... I know many peoples from you live.
(I changed my high school to yours after I saw a pretty girl who went there LAST YEAR. I can't even find Wyoming on a map)


Me: 
I am not sure I understand. Did you live in my town?
( I think you are full of shit)


Latin Lover:
I like very much your manners. Do you have a lover?
(Let's change the subject - would you like to get naked with me? )


Me:  
I am married.
(Oh sure. I will hop on a plane as soon as I am done here..NOT)


Latin Lover:
 I like to talk with lots of women I meet online. Do you want to talk with me often? 
(I want to have online chat sex and I am too cheap to pay for it. Wanna?)


Me: 
Sorry, I don't think you are reading me. I am married, so I don't think so. 
(Nope.)


Latin Lover:
You are feisty! Perhaps we could meet? 
(I would like to chain you in my basement.A few hard slaps and you would realize my passion for you.)


Me:
Um..no, I do not think we can meet. 
(Thank God for Internet Privacy controls)


((BLOCK)) 


I asked our "mutual friend" about this yahoo, and she said she didn't know who he was either, but "he sure was weird". Ya think? 
*************************************************************************************


Message from guy with no profile pic and the same last name as our town  - very creative, no?




Lurker: 
"Attractive. married?"
(I want to have chat sex)


Me:
Thank you. Yes, married. 
(This guy wants to have chat sex)


Lurker:
Sorry to bother you.
(You're a prude)


Me: 
No bother, just a friend request
(Yes, I am a prude, but I am polite, nonetheless.)


Lurker:
Looking for friends?
(I could be wrong...Still fishing...)


Me:
Beats looking for enemies...
(sarcasm, perhaps?)


Lurker:
How about friends with benefits?
(Why not just go for it?)


Me:
Dude, you are still barking up the wrong tree. 
(Not really a hint guy, this one. Perhaps less subtle.)


Lurker:
Sorry, I am married too. Just looking for some excitement. 
(She IS a prude..but maybe she will feel sorry for me)


Me: 
You're going to find nothing but trouble methinks. Good luck. 
(I AM a prude.  I am sort of sorry for your wife. I hope she is having better luck than you are finding a suitable replacement.)
 **********************************************************************************
Accepted Friend Request from guy with a somewhat familiar name. Immediately, a chat window opens:


I feel so free. At the Loaf and Jug, I have to hide my rockin' tats. 


Band Guy: 
You are hot. 
(Your profile pic is sort of slutty looking)


Me: 
Um..why, thanks. Do we know each other already? Your name is familiar. 
(I now think I made a mistake with the profile pic AND thinking this person is someone I know)


Band Guy: 
No, but you are hot. 
(So, are you slutty, or what?)


Me: 
Again, thanks. Sorry, I thought when I got the request that we knew each other. 
(I made a mistake and I am not slutty. In fact, i am so lame I am wearing a name tag in the photo taken with our State Senator.)


Band Guy: 
I just moved here. I work at the Loaf and Jug. 
(What is a State Senator? I do not have the level of embarrassment I should have about  my part time employment)


Me: 
Welcome to our town. What brings you to our town?
(Holy shit. You are here on parole to the halfway house...)


Band Guy: 
My Band. We are opening for blah blah and blah  blah in ((nearby town)).
(I am regretting the Loaf and Jug employment announcement and am trying to seem cooler than I feel right now. I should probably take that off of my profile info) 


Me: 
You don't say. I'm sorry, I don't know either of those bands 
(because I am one hundred years older than you). 


Band Guy: 
You want to hook up? 
(May as well go for it - she DID have a slutty profile pic. Maybe she has a "bad boy thing")


Me:
No thanks, I don't think so.  
(A bad boy who works at the Loaf and Jug? Um...no. Also, i am married and one hundred years older than you.)


Band Guy:
That's cool. If you change your mind, I work at the Loaf and Jug.
(I still don't get why that turns girls off? I can get free icee's all day long!)


Me:
Thanks, you mentioned. 
(Seriously dude, stop telling girls where you work - unemployment would be more bad ass than the visual of you in the Loaf and Jug smock.)

7 comments:

Jami Howe said...

I've been waiting for you to post a new entry. Finally!!!!! You are so hilarious!

Michael Fox said...

So, how in the world did I succeed in having you friend me and not get blocked yet? (BTW, your profile pic is pretty 'hot'!). :-)

Reptiles in the Ice Cream said...

which loaf n jug?

KittyCat said...

That is the funnist shit I have heard all week. Thanks so much for the laugh.

Kittycat

The Mitzel Family said...

I just giggled/snorted. The beauty of social networking!

Fawn Mccue Jarvis said...

It is so true... its annoying.. they come out of everywhere... especially if they know you are now separated or single... creepy and weird.. no woman wants to be approached like that... unless desperate or insecure... so gross

NerdyRedneck Rob said...

So hey baby, wanna hook up!

I tell people I am a wounded vet.

http://nerdyredneck.blogspot.com/2011/04/i-have-always-loved-telling-stories.html

Yeah, I'm that cool! So does that make you hot? You know it does!



KIDDING!!!