Monday, November 21, 2011

Reverse Thanksgiving

I am feeling a little snarky and ungrateful about the world since my-probably-could-have-gone-viral-TDay-post was chewed up and swallowed by Blogger (and then handily saved over) last week. 

I coulda been a contenda..  :-(

I write important shit here, y'know? 

So my blog BFF and I Munch decided that we would have our own little challenge. He was avoiding work, so he jumped on it Friday and finished his this weekend. I was avoiding work, so I did laundry and packed for a ass kicking drive to baboo sports tournaments this weekend.

Although it is rude, and will probably send an instant message to KARMA to kick me square in the bleacher butt (see below), Munch and I's challenge was to write a list of the things we are NOT thankful for. I haven't looked at his, or I will be tempted to plagiarize. His is here, take a look. 

I know, I know....settle down Pilgrims. I have much to be thankful for, every day, every way. But today is not that day. Thursday is that day. Pay attention. 

This is ((cue music)) The Onion's snarky-bad-attitude-having-does-not-deserve-a-visit-from-Santa-list of things I am NOT thankful for today . Ahem. 

1. Road Trips to Sporting Events
2 hours of sitting in car + 9 hours of sitting on bleachers + 3.5 hours sitting in car + 9 hours of sitting in bleachers = bleacher butt. To super-size, add concession stand fare. 
Dear Santa..
Accessories to Road Trip Weekend include: Bag full of my kindle, 3 containers of gatorade/water, kleenex for whomever bleeds, bottle of Tylenol for injured players and/or frustrated bridge-of-nose-pinching Special Agent, someone's shoes, someone's slippers, a random t-shirt, half eaten granola bar, a pen lid but no pen, some electronic gaming devices, a tourney program (at the bottom, wet), and something I think may have once been a banana. 

2. Ring-Back Tones 
You, my friend are not bringing sexy back. You ARE annoying the hell out of me with your ring-back tone. It's a little pushy to make me listen to a song YOU like while I wait for you to get finished putting styling product in your hair before answering, don't you think? 
I was tempted to install a ring back tone which would cover the day's headlines, but then I remembered that is something I want to hear. So I just listen to it my damn self, capice?

3. Smoking on me
Don't get my wrong, like your porn addiction, I don't CARE what you do when you're alone. Live 'it up, suckas. But, DON'T smoke on me. I don't care if it is your office, car or Silence of the Lambs style prisoner dungeon. If I want to smoke, I will (Oh yes, I will). Those who want to smoke, do. Those who don't, don't want to smoke your backwashed air. And don't crack that fricking window a centimeter and then nod and smile like you just invented the cure for POLIO. In a moving vehicle, it just drives the smoke back into the car, Dad.
Whatever kid, but not by me, ok?
4. Those who refuse technology
You don't tweet? I don't care. Anti-Facebook? Whatev, but you are missing out. But those who do not check their email? Nor do they have text messaging on their phone? Seriously? Would you like us to drive to your house to let you know the event time has changed by half an hour? Perhaps we could update you on the weather by U.S. Postal Service? I appreciate all of your commitment to a non-technology life rhetoric, but you are creating a pain in the ass for the people who DO use it as a convenience for themselves. At least pick one. 

5. The Affliction craze
Stop this. Please stop this immediately. I can overlook a few Tapout shirts for those of you who are using MMA as a methadone patch to Bloodsport, but angel wings? No. I can't decide if they are worse on men or women, but I am leaning toward men. Especially those who are wearing them painted on over Arnie-like spray tanned muscles. Men, please be men. Not frosted-tipped angels. You look like a douche. Please and thanks. 

6. Twitter
I still don't get it. 

7. Passive-Aggressive behavior. 
Stop needlin' me people. Just come out with the bee that is under your bonnet and we can deal with it or agree to disagree. But stop blabbering at me with your, "that's an interesting idea, but.."s and a smile pasted on your face while we negotiate terms more difficult than NATO's. Just spit it out and then puleeze go away.

8. Pet hair
For Christmas, I am asking Santa for electrolysis for all of our pets who have a beacon for freshly dried laundry, my side of the bed and anything dark i want to wear. 
I am going to consider this for my next
career move, right after I throw up.
9. Facebook Overshares
Funny, witty comments need not apply. Interesting articles and local event info, you are welcome here. Weird, vague or sappy posts regarding your skin condition, your self esteem, a low-blow shout out to your ex about not coming to your kids' science fair and 90% of jr. high kids posts, I am talking to you. 

10. OCD
Because of my own OCD issues, it has taken me a while today to follow my own "fall" color scheme (please notice), while making sure to post an even number of entries. I am off now to lock/unlock the door 36 times.

What are YOU not thankful for this year?? 


Anonymous said...

This is off the charts in the awesomeness realm. I most like #4. I utilize tech for scheduling events AS A VOLUNTEER and have TWO peeps who do not have e-mail, facebook, cell phone or other incredibly cool technology devices. Wish they would join the rest of us in the 21st century/new millennium.

I sure hope I haven't been that #9 person. I agree with you on this but wonder, have I inadvertently overshared?

Great post and sorry about your post eating blogger. Sometimes technology sucks when it doesn't work :/


Kim said...

This? ROCKS!

Munch said...

Bleacher Butt?!?!?!!?! That not CONTAGIOUS is it? Of course I think I'd prefer that then having an "Affliction", which resulted in me being a Total Douchebag!

P.S Catch me on Twitter! @Mundsck ;o)

connie said...

LOL!Most of those are my pet peeves too.I too had to ask myself if I fit into any of these categories.Oh ya you forgot people who think everything is about them.;)

Sadie Wilson said...

So glad you wrote again I was worried for blogkind...


Ps I have lots to say, it is just no one gives a shit

Just Jane said...

#6. Ditto.

Mrs. Tuna said...

I'm not thankful for loving my job. It makes me cranky and I feel my ass spreading.

Nicki said...


Mr. Jake Green said...

All of these were good, but I have a special fondness for #9. I can't tell you how many people I have unfriended on FB just because I cannot stand to hear what boring crap they are making for dinner today.