Monday, May 2, 2011

I Fix Stuff .... It's a Layer

Plan for this beautiful Monday:
1. Take baboos to school
2. Head to gym to exercise furiously to someday feel comfortable in swimwear.
3. Clean house until sparkling and hygienic
4. Battle other mothers to secure place for baboo on school's pee-wee football team
5. Clean prints from weapon.

In typical Monday fashion, the garage doors wouldn't open.

The Baboo's feared for our lives. I had not yet had any caffeine, so I stage-sighed to no one in particular, yanked the thingy and opened the garage door manually.

The Baboos were in astounded, they did not realize that things can open without electricity. Then, they went back to their phone/Ipod/video game thingys.

8:45 AM: School drop off and then to the gym. My own Ipod was MIA, and although Special Agent offered to drive it home for me (thief!), it was too late. Reading my Kindle while riding the bike somewhat lazily seemed more my speed today anyhow. Twin even joined, which really improved effort..not.  We talked about boys.

10:15 AM Grocery store (with caffeine - yay!) and plans on my mind for how to make those giant margaritas with a beer in them (don't judge) and a spicy pork tacos for a Krazy K's (cause sometimes, she is Ka-razy) Master's Program Graduation on Sat.
It's physics. 
11:30 AM - I press the garage door button before remembering it doesn't work. Grr. Must solve this issue. Special Agent is incapacitated and is not available for me to bitch to confer with about this problem. No matter, I am a research nerd and I will get to the bottom of this!

(putting on super hero cape, pushing glasses up)

I immediately ask my Facebook community deduce that it could be that the GFCI needs reset (that is the little button on the bathroom plug in, girls). Someone suggests I check the plug ins to find one. I remember these, since my hairdryer and the bathroom GFCI occasionally have it out.

I peer around the garage.......ACK!!! The freezer light if OFF. The freezer is thawing. My precious homemade lasagnas are in there. Call search and Rescue! Call the National Guard! Locate the GFCI!

"Ok folks, we seem to have a lasagna/GFCI situation.."
(This comment is in NO WAY meant as offensive to the NG who are
currently responding to the tornado ravaged south. Me and my Lasagna thank you.

(Thank God the lamb chops had already been taken out. Ruined peach spiced lamb chops would be a sad story.  We used the kids' college fund to buy those.)

I am now tearing around the garage looking for the magic plug in. I have to storm around to the backyard shed to get an extension cord for the thawing freezer and my own dogs bark at me. Harrumph.

With the freezer back in operation, I scan some more and cannot find that damn plug in. I move the extra vehicle out of the garage. I pull out many cabinets and tool benches. I crouch on the ground and attempt to look behind heavy stuff. I tell myself we need to clean the garage. Nada - no GFCI button.

I am standing, hands on hips in the garage, looking around. I am kind of hungry, and I feel pouty. I think about kicking rocks. Instead, I eat a yogurt from the yet-to-be-put-away grocery sacks. The freezer is humming away, saving my lasagnas (I am serious about pasta, people). I am messaging Special Agent with a battery of messages that have everything and nothing to do with this situation:

Onion: Don't forget to get your license plate tags
Onion: I paid the credit card bill
Onion: We are having 8 of our friends and their children over on Sat. - Spicy Pork and Guac
Onion: Let's invite your one friend.
Onion: Let' make margaritas with a beer turned upside down in them
Onion: I would like to plant some cottonwoods in the ugly rock patch in the backyard - which means I want YOU to plant some in the backyard, please? I don't know how to run those shovel-thingys
Onion: Call me, bungholio. The garage doors issue issue
Onion: Seriously, call me - the freezer is out too.
Onion: My Lasagna!

As I am eating my yogurt, I scooch some things I stacked on the workbench. Viola! (That's WA-LA to you)
See the tiny hole in the pegboard? Look closer, see the
GFCI?? the hole cut in that makes a lot more sense. 
I cram some stick object into the button and hear the flicker of electricity. This is how Benjamin Franklin must have felt when he thought he discovered electricity. I beam.

To Special Agent:
Onion: Repaired! I fix shit. It's a Layer, yo.
Onion: The previous string of comments make me sound schizophrenic
Onion: Also, football sign ups are tonight at 5:30, which means stand in line at 3:30 with Kindle. Are you coaching?

I rolled up the extension cord in the manner in which I have seen men do it, which sometimes alludes me (Its an around the arm thing, that makes it into a tidy circle) and toss it on the workbench. I feel very butch, and I should, since I have not a stitch of makeup on, post workout. I am looking good. I need an electrician's crack to make this look perfect, but I am in spandex workout pants, so no go.

Special Agent finally finishes terrorizing criminals and writes back:

Special Agent: Yes, Assistant Coach. Are you going to share how you fixed the problem or just make me believe in your super powers?

So, here is my revised list for today:

1. Take baboo's to school
2. Head to gym to exercise furiously to someday feel comfortable in swimwear.
3. Clean house until sparkling and hygienic Repair household electricity issue with poetry and verve
4. Put groceries away eventually. 
5. Eat hummus and pita chips (how did those get in my cart?) for lunch and blog.
6. Look and clock and scream at how late it is
7. Shower.
8. Battle other mothers to secure place for baboo on school's pee-wee football team
9. Clean prints from weapon.

If the house burns down tomorrow, my former brother in law did it. Because the GFCI is in PERFECT WORKING ORDER. So there.

Ahem. ((Putting cape away))


Lance said...

Now you can come over to my house. It needs similar attention.

~The Stiletto Cowgirl~ said...

you just made my day!! LOVE IT!! haha!!

DeBie Hive said...

Love, love, love this!

Random Girl said...

Wow, impressive and then some. That is a layer that is necessary, especially for a girl without a guy such as myself. I can work any number of power tools, fix about anything that I manage break, and have utilized my pink, yes pink, tool kit more times than I can imagine. I will make someone a very nice husband,,,er,,, I mean wife again some day.

Danger Boy said...

Well done! That text stream seems so familiar to me somehow... wait, swap Onion for Wifefish...holy cow, you two have similar brain waves!

Great post!

Sandra said...

Do you also do renovations, because I have an ugly master bathroom that my husband has been promising to remodel for 5 years!

Elle said...

My favorite line is: I fix shit. It's a layer, yo!

This is something I would say, which is probably why I love it. I like associating with other crazy people that use the words, "shit" and "yo".
You're good people.

Mrs. Tuna said...

Can you fly too?

Sara said...

Love your blog!

NerdyRedneck Rob said...

"The Baboos were in astounded, they did not realize that things can open without electricity."

ROFL! Oh wiping tears from eyes! What a great line!

Reminds of when I realized my son could not read an analog clock. Why? Digital clocks had taken over long before he was born.

Nicki said...

So I am of course very impressed with your handywork....but how do you drink the beer if it's upside-down in a margarita?!? I am puzzled by this.

NerdyRedneck Rob said...

Oh another belated comment...I don't think you should feel bad about eating the fluffy lambs. After all that was the favorite food of Jesus!

What? You don't believe me? Think about it; most of the paintings you see of Jesus depict him gazing longing down at the little lamb he is getting ready to eat! Right?

I even start off my prayers with "Oh great lamb devourer in the sky, ..."