Wednesday, May 4, 2011

If Wishes Were Horses, Mine Would Be a Jackass - II Challenge

My Indie Ink Challenge for this week from Andrea at Wordy Living was: your bad wishes to people suddenly come true - you wished your loud neighbour would go numb and it's happened; your gossipy colleague suddenly starts to shout whenever he tries to tell a story about someone behind their back... what else happens?

I really, REALLY struggled with this challenge. It just kept getting longer and longer. It's a fantastic idea, and I was truly challenged. I wish I could put it away to work on later (read: start over), but alas, tick tock; Indie Ink waits for no man. :-)

I challenged Supermaren here, and I love what she came up with...

 I was in a foul mood. I chided myself for behaving immaturely as I slogged through town, stopping at yet another red light.

"C'mon you bastard...." I harrumphed to the stoplight.

It changed.

I blinked at the seemingly short wait and internally groused. Yes, it was THAT kind of day.

I parked in the parking garage and lugged the work I had taken home over my shoulder like Santa carries his bag of toys, but a helluva a lot less fun. The strap of my briefcase dug into my shoulder. I shrugged, trying to readjust the load.

I gave my best friend Marjorie the snarky eyebrow as I walked past her desk with my Sherpa-heavy load. Our cubicles didn't really allow for anything verbal expression, especially the way I was thinking. Kissing ass was welcome, as was towing the company line. The Office Nazi held court right next to the main hallway, akin to the teacher's pet sitting in the front of the classroom. Nothing, and I mean, nothing got by her. She made it worse by being extra friendly and "helpful". And, if you weren't careful, she would "help" you right out of your job, thanks.

I sloughed my bag off of my shoulder and my purse, lunch and extra bag of crud along with it, all landing in a heap. I fished my laptop out of the bag and hung everything in the square box I lived in for exactly 8 hours per day. I checked my incoming messages, skimming over the work reminders and meeting notices and instead reading with relish the emails from friends. I laughed quietly to myself.

My cubicle mate Rob did NOT laugh quietly. Instead he talked annoyingly loud, typed annoyingly loud, and snorted and coughed a lot. He also occasionally farted in our shared airspace, which was swell. Today was an especially great day to be his neighbor, since he had been talking non-stop since I had arrived. He was making it tough to enjoy my personal emails.

"Please shut up..." I muttered.


I cocked my head and listened. Really? ...he had to have just finished his conversation.... no, no, he was really on a roll and was not near the end I had come to recognize. I peeked around the barrier to make sure he hadn't gotten a piece of the stinky beef jerky he was always eating stuck in his gullet. I watched his back as he typed...quietly.


Thinking back to the stoplight, I decided I needed to test this theory out a little more, so I made a bee-line for my Marjorie's desk. I thought she might think I had smoked my breakfast if I told her the whole truth, so I just pretended to wing by for a chat. This was not really within the Office-Nazi-behavior-code, and Marjorie was nervous.

"Get off of my desk, are you nuts? she asked. I gave her my best Johnny Cash sneer, saying, "Well, maybe I am..." and took a huge chomp out of the banana bread the Office Nazi kept in the shared fridge with her name emblazoned all over it. Connie hissed,"Is that the Nazi's banana bread? - Oh shit, you really do want to get fired!". She looked around, and pushed my rear off of her desk. "Get out of here!" I tossed the saran wrap at her and brushed the  crumbs off of my hands. I stood tall and announced to no one in particular "I hope the Office Nazi learns to value me as an employee and as a person, or may she cluck like the hen she is whenever our boss is around". Connie shoved me out of her cubicle, saying "there must be weed in that banana bread..". I winked at her.

I cocked an eye for the Nazi as i scurried back to my desk, suddenly doubting my new superpowers. If I was wrong I was totally screwed. However, my cubicle neighbor was still silently working in his cubicle and I almost checked his pulse before I saw him scratch his ear. Down the corridor, I could hear what sounded like clucking.


The end of the day came and I continued to test my new found powers to make the elevator fail to stop on every damn floor on the way to the parking garage - yay! It also helped turn every light green as I approached. I had no idea why this was happening, and at this point I This rocked.

I used my powers for evil when I got to the gym and remarked to no one in particular " I wonder if anyone left their car doors unlocked?" and watched the treadmills, elliptical machines and stationary bikes thin out. I chose my favorite one. Yay, me.


I saw our obnoxious neighbor headed toward the elevator, coming in from his run. I have never met a man with the ability to smell so intensely. He must live on curry and garlic. I whispered a "takethestairs-takethestairs-takethestairs" mantra as the odor crept closer to me....aaaaaaaahhhhh.....and, turning! It worked. I let my breath out.

I breezed through the apartment doors, completely heady with power. The world was my-ine.

My boyfriend and I had been a little edgy with each other, so instead of saying hello and rushing into each other's arms at my appearance, we gave each other a raised eyebrow-shrug combo as I tossed the grocery sacks on the counter. I went to the hall to hang up my coat, saying softly..."I wish you would put away the groceries.."

My lover yelled from the hall, "go ahead and get changed. I'll put away the groceries and start dinner."

Score, a direct hit.

We chatted while he made dinner. It was delicious and I was feeling the warmth of my love creep back in. With my new found powers, there should be no more problems. It was only (ahem) a matter of time before he proposed....

My lover joked with me and I socked his arm playfully. "Get out of town!" I yelled.

He scooted his chair back, kissed me on the cheek and walked out the door.



AudlyLuvly said...

LMAO that was awesome.

PencilGirl said...

Hahahahahaha!!! That was hilarious! Kickass theme!! :D :D

Danger Boy said...

I love the "well...shit" moment at the end. A bit rushed on the ending, but still very good stuff.

NerdyRedneck Rob said...

OMG! Debbie, is that you?

Rosa (please roll the R) said...

Brilliant!..Im particularly fond of the office fazzshhhitttt...I won't say why exactly...just know...I LOVE IT!

supermaren said...

AWESOME ending! You might have struggled with the prompt in the beginning, but you certainly found your groove when you started writing!

Anonymous said...

Hee hee!! Karma's a bitch isn't it?

You can call me, 'Sir' said...

Geez, what a great answer to the challenge! I love the way your mind works, slightly evil though it may be.

melissa said...

hilarious ending!! good job, fun to read!

Marian said...

ha! love the ending. love it!