I'm Allergic to Sunshine!! (#1 0f 3 Trips Down Memory Lane)

((Cue Narrator)) Once upon a time The Onion had a short span of free time, so she started a blog (Sound familiar?).  The Onion wrote several posts and when it wasn't picked up immediately for a book contract (or she got an actual job which required work) the blog was forgotten about. It was a mean spirited blog called, The Freaks I Meet. Amazingly, The Onion found it tonight in the Blogspot archives, but has no clue how to get access to it again, since it was 5 years of passwords ago.  Please enjoy the blogging stylings of The Onion, circa 2006...because she did the work, dammit. She wants someone to read it.


WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 01, 2006

I'M ALLERGIC TO SUNSHINE!

In my limited life experience, I have had the pleasure and displeasure of working with volunteers. A lot of them. And, I have come to believe that most are volunteering because NO ONE WILL HIRE THEM.

At one such recent encounter, I was exposed to a plethora of "freaks I meet" types, all locked in one room for several days of volunteer training. Since all of the lodging and meals were paid for, you can imagine who came out of the woodwork. It was like an alternate universe, or a Star Trek convention. I have seen a similar audience at the annual free hunter feed, held at our town's American Legion. (At least they had booze.)

* It must be said that the true low point of this trip for most attendees (blogger excluded) was that the hotel developed a case of BEDBUGS in several areas of the hotel (thankfully not mine). Yep. WAAAAY too much talking about it the next day. And visuals of supposed bites. 




The LOUD TALKER

This rather large, mannish-voiced woman was the one who preferred to sit in the very front, center seat, arms crossed and legs splayed out like a trucker - the first hint of a potential freak. She wore glasses that made her eyes seem 6 times their size, which made you open YOUR eyes even wider, as if to compete. She talked several decibels above what is considered normal, not quite yelling, but definitely like she had worked artillery in the Army. I immediately avoided the loud talker since her voice made my eyes squint, but I couldn't help but overhear her conversation EVERYWHERE, but only snippets.  This only increased the laugh factor. Imagine, if you will, this swirling dialogue in a voice just loud and low enough to break the din of any other conversation:

".........BEDBUGS - MUSTA BEEN 7 OF 'EM!..." (Lifting her shirt to expose bites - yep, she sure did)

".......FROM SOUTHERN SOUTH DAKOTA 'RIGINALLY, MOVED BACK IN oH-2.."

"...........HEAD INJURY IN '84.......".  (not making this up. Nope.)

Just to compete with her man voice, she had the biggest boobs in creation on her 6'4 frame, which she covered in the thinnest of white t-shirts. (Remember the Donger's girlfriend in Sixteen Candles?? She was the loud talker's prettier sister). She wore the low ponytail, which she put in and out throughout the day, whenever the exertion of our mundane classroom training called for it, I guess.

I was a leader in this group (like being Queen of the idiots), so I wanted to make sure to be friendly and make contact with everyone.  As we walked outside of what felt like a zoo holding pen, I smiled at the nice day and said enthusiastically;

"wow, it really is a beautiful day today, isn't it?? It's nice to get out of that room and into the sun!!"

In her loud talker voice and gigantic eyes, Bedbugs barked:

"I'M ALLERGIC TO SUNSHINE!"..

turned on her heel and marched to the shade. Stunned by the loudness, as well as the remark, I just skittered away.

Being friendly is overrated sometimes.