Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Special Agent's Rules for Manly Manliness (as observed by the Onion)

Note that our specimen wears no turtleneck, pants or jewelry.
His barber must be booked through the holidays.

While no formal list exists, my husband maintains a basic list of personal rules for manly men, to include:

1.  No turtlenecks or sweater vests. Nyet.

2.  No drinking from straws (exception - fast food cups which come with a lid..sometimes.)

3. No jewelry except wedding rings, watches and cuff links. Don't even THINK of wearing a bracelet.   
    Hemp or puka shell necklaces are verboten. No, no, no.

4.  When possible, men should have their hair cut by a barber, (where fishing is discussed) and not in a salon.

5.  No matter the weather, no umbrellas. Ever. You will get wet. You will not mind.

6. No perfume.  That means cologne too. I think aftershave in small quantities made the cut.

7. No putting lotion on your hands. Soft hands are not manly.

These are rules I had never thought of as specifically unmanly and they cracked me up as I learned them. However, I have become a subscriber over the years.  When I see a man with an umbrella, I am immediately thinking "uh oh.., breaking the code." The Puka shell necklace makes me cringe, but I think I would have gotten there on my own.  Kenny Chesney, take note.

Kenny, fire your stylist.
I have been taking a straw poll and have found that all men seem to have their own list for manly manliness. A google search was ablaze with lists, sites, even books! They include some and none of these above listed elements.

Some of the other noteworthy items include:

 - Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. EVER. Issue closed.
 - Never use eight words when four will do.
 - Do not listen to "***** music" such as Erasure, Color Me Badd, or Oldies (no idea what the stars mean)

Other crazy lists....
International Rules of Manliness
Man Stuff - Rules for Manliness
Return to Manliness - Yard Beer (this one just made me laugh)

Now, before anyone gets offended, these are Special Agent's rules. For HIM. He isn't trying to impress his rules upon anyone else. However, if he sees you in a restaurant, with a gold bracelet on (drinking sweetly out of a straw) you're going to get the eyebrow (There is some flexibility for Europeans, who can rock this look.) But your choices are all yours. But know, he is internally making fun of you over chips and salsa. It isn't nice. I know that. Pull up your big boy turtleneck and get on with it.
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Larae said...

You just described SHAWN!! Our husbands so need to meet!!

Traci Conklin said...

I agree with most of the list!

NerdyRedneck Rob said...

Thank you! can you please get the word out to more women! Quit trying to make us wear sweaters!

Speacial Agent find watches acceptable????? mmmmmmm.

NerdyRedneck Rob said...

GAH! I hate it when I don't proof before posting!

Anonymous said...

1- No on the turtlenecks, sweater vest ok! Ever see OSU coach Jim Tressel.
2-No straws-check.
3-Check on the jewelry too, wedding band, watch thats it, unless your a rapper or a mafiosa.
4-Definitely barber if you can find one.
5-No big deal with me on the umbrella, wife & daughters always take it, so its never in the car anyway when I need it.
6-No cologne, perfume or even aftershave.
7-No hand lotion unless your maybe going to... , oh never mind, no hand lotion. You will get my internal mockery also if I see dainty little hands and fingers too.
No no no on the speedos or any of that spandex bicycle wear. Didn't need it when I was a kid, don't need it now.
Finally, will always use 8 words over 4 and include a few embellishments. It is my god given right being of Irish decent.
OK, so for the most part, batting around 850 or so. Could probably fit in in Special Agents world, and hopefully don't creep out too many women.

Anonymous said...

I ran the list past my Wyoming born and bred husband, and he totally agreed. He also added that a guy does not get manicures. Real men clean their nails with the end of their hunting knife.