Saturday, October 8, 2011

Dr. Onion's Fishy Experiment in Self Diagnosis and Treatment

 (If I had an attorney, he would suggest I do this, among other things)
 Although you may be inspired by this post, Do NOT try to remove your own appendix or perform your own rhinoplasty based upon what I hope are my positive results at self doctoring. This post in no way advocates the self diagnosis or treatment of you or others in your household. Don't even *THINK* of trying to sue me when your home amputation goes wrong. I'm rubber and you're glue, people. 


I'm sick.

"Puny", as Mae would say. I won't die of it certainly, but I have felt better in my life.

I am no good at being sick. Some actually enjoy wearing pj's all day, sleeping for long hours interrupted and watching daytime TV. Some even enjoy going to the doctor, which I think.... Is. Weird.

The Onion is enjoys none of these.
The Onion is a bit of a whiny baby pissy pants when sick...

Luckily, I am almost NEVER sick. But today, I am the epitome of  "Sniffling, Sneezing, CoughingAchingStuffy Head, Fever -I can't rest" that the medicine ad proclaims me. 

They forgot crabby. 

After self-medicating with whatever I could find in our over the counter supply, including a night with Prince Nyquil, I stumbled across some antibiotics someone didn't finish (I know...don't judge). Sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy headed-ness doesn't really bespeak antibiotics, but the popping ears and muted hearing sure does.

Yes, it does.

Why not? Threw a couple down my gullet. Amoxicillian. Relatively harmless.

Amazingly, I felt better that day. I continued to another dose and felt very smug that I had taken care of my own little self, and sniffed while I watched old DVR taped episodes of America's Next Top Model. 

(I loathe Tyra Banks. Is there a more narcissistic person in the world? And that's coming from a blogger.)

The problem was...I only had a few left. Like a junkie (on antibiotics?) I shook the bottle, counted to see how long it would last. Not long. 

This is the part where I have to admit that I am fortunate enough to have good insurance and plenty of money to go to a proper doctor. I also know that antibiotics are cheap, prescription-wise. The doctor who prescribes them just doesn't happen to be. I could go to the doctor. 

I just don't wanna. 

Since I was welded to the couch for days, I had a lot of time for workthe Internet. Just for fun, I looked up antibiotics to see if I could score some of my own and was terrified at the obvious overseas website designed to 'keep you healthy long time'

Um, no. Those could be sugar pills..or Drano. 

But, what also showed up were sites from your friendly American SURVIVALIST, and those folks have done their homework on everything from dehydrated meals to stockpiling ammo guessed it, medical needs for when the apocalypse or whatever arrives. 

There was a lot of camo themed blogs and message strings about how to keep moisture out of gun powder and what not. I happened across some interesting information that prior to this couch-ridden day, I had not know before. 

1. Fish require antibiotics. 
2. Fish respond to the same antibiotics that humans respond to
3. The antibiotics that fish and humans take are made at the same pharmaceutical facilities
4. Fish antibiotics do not require a prescription.

Mom People, stop freaking out. I am a research nerd and I have spent hours researching this topic. HOURS. COUCH PARALYZED HOURS looking up the pros and cons, possible medical issues one could have and even the pharmaceutical companies which produce them. I was able to look up the fish antibiotics, take the code off of the pill capsule, and then search for it on the AARP's pill identifier. I was also able to take the code off of the pill to look up the pharmaceutical producer and identify the pills there again, and see a little info about the company. It is not driven toward pets, in fact it never mentions it as a market, go look! It is the real deal, and is located in the U.S. from what I can see.

(I also read the reviews on Amazon, not very scientific, but usually accurate.)

Of course I looked at the downside. I play fair.

The potential risks of ordering Fish antibiotics are this:
1. Allergic reaction
2. Utilizing the wrong antibiotic for the wrong ailment
3. Growing gills (KIDDING!)
4. Building a tolerance to antibiotics

To be fair, here is an article about the negative side of humans using veterinary medicines, but still only list allergic reaction as the most dangerous side effect to antibiotic use. Did I mention, i will not try to take feline-leukemia pills to get high? I won't. 

You know by now that I ordered myself some antibiotics. 100 250 mg amoxicillian capsules for around $20 with shipping. 

Stop freaking out. I have some commons sense. 

When the antibiotics arrived, I opened the container and used AARP pill identifier again. I looked it up on a few just because I'm thorough like that.  

Maybe some of you know that my Dad was not a rule follower and that bending the rules is I quickly utilized my same life theory to justify that I would not:

1. Suffer allergic reaction, since I have taken amoxicillian before. If I did, it would be no different than when the doctor prescribed me cyclines TWICE with minor issues. ('Cyclines are not for me, but 'Cillians...oh yeah)

2. That there are 1,000 hits on Google for what antibiotics are needed for which ailment available to me online, many from medical texts. 

3. I will not attempt to do anything further than treat minor ailments, not try to give myself an open heart surgery. 

4. I already avoid going to the doctor and do not like to take anything beyond Excedrin. If a natural course of antibiotics taken did not have the desired effect (wellness), I would see a doctor. If I were taking antibiotics for ailments more than 2 x in one year, I would need to see a doctor. 

Update: One week later

I am still alive.

In fact, I am much better. I took the fish antibiotics and..

I did not die. 
I did not become a survivalist
I did not grow gills
I am not making fish faces...much.

I believe they are the same antibiotics I would have gotten from my doctor. From a pharmaceutical company just like the one I bought them from. 

And, I feel better.

Nothing fishy about that. 


Anonymous said...

Love your willingness to take the bull by the horns (or the fish by the gills ... tee...hee!)

SherilinR said...

ha! good for you for figuring out a way to get around it. i've done some stuff to get antibiotics when i was sick but had no health insurance, so i understand. though, if i had ins, i'd rather just go to the doctor.

Danger Boy said...

I learned something today, and it was something I should have known. I've treated fish before. /facepalm Thanks for sharing this!

Nicki said...

I've gotten livestock antibiotics before. It's the same freaking thing! But fish antibiotics online? WIN. Removes the necessary trip to the tractor/feed supply store.

Mrs. Tuna said...

I am mainlining Afrin as we speak.

Amy E. Sumner said...

I too am bad at being sick. At least this is what my friends, family and an ex-husband have told me. Maybe it's in our genes? I always crawl my way back to my parents and lay pitiful on their couch, which drove Stuart mad. My mom can do simple things that no one else can when I'm puny (you're right like Mae says). I have great health insurance but hate going to the doctor. I really have to be dying for the drive. Luckily now I work for surgeons & can get anything called in without the drive to the PCP.